Let me start this post with a little disclaimer. This post is not about homeschooling, so please don't close the window when you see the word "Homeschool" in the post.
My second disclaimer is
that this post is raw. It is where I am. Writing it was gut-wrenching.
If you take the time to read it, I will be deeply honored that you chose
to spend a few of your precious moments reading my words.
get a newsletter each week called "The Homeschool Minute." I read it
when the topic seems to be applicable to me, and, since it is a
homeschooling newsletter, it often is. Lately, I haven't had much time
for reading newsletters. Today, however, I knew this newsletter was just
for me when I saw the theme in the subject line in my in-box. "In Times
of Grief," so reading it wasn't optional for me this time.
This season of life? It is most certainly a time of
grief. I feel like I've been here before, but it's different this time.
This time, what the doctor said would happen is happening. This
time, in spite of my knowledge that God can work a miracle, in spite of
the fact that the doctor himself used the words, "short of a miraculous
intervention," I find myself preparing for the worst case scenario
because the doctor was right, afterall. The cancer did return just as he predicted.
am not discounting God's ability to intervene. I know that He can. I
know that He does. I know these things. I also know that He has gifted
doctors with knowledge and abilities that I do not possess, and, while
He trumps anything they say, He sometimes uses those doctors to prepare
us. I know that God will heal my mama. He could choose to let her stay
with us. He could work a miracle here on earth. I know this.
I also know that, sometimes, He doesn't. Sometimes, healing happens in heaven. Sometimes, His plan isn't what I want.
But I can't forget that, all the time, He is the Healer. All the time, He cares for me. All the time, His plan is perfect even if His plan isn't what I think I want.
what I want doesn't really matter. I want my mom HERE. Doesn't
everyone? It's sort of selfish when you think about choosing to keep
someone here versus letting them experience the perfection of heaven. I
want my mom healthy, happy, and pain-free. As hard as it is to write or
think or say out loud...
Healthy, happy, and pain-free are the most important to me, and, if she can only have that in heaven, then so be it.
you haven't lost a parent or someone equally as close to you, you may
not understand what I'm feeling right now. 13 months ago, I didn't
understand. I have lost four grandparents and a great aunt that I
thought of as a grandmother, and I adored all of them, but losing them
doesn't compare to what I'm going through right now.
My mother is sick. Cancer is trying to destroy her. God is in charge. I have to trust Him. I have
to be willing to follow Him in spite of what happens. I hope she
defeats this. I want her to live. I want God to be glorified in her life
and because of her life.
No matter what happens, I
choose Abba Father because His ways are perfect and His ways are not my
ways. I will not pretend to understand this ever, but I will trust Him.
Always. I will trust Him.